Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from position. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")

Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have An additional area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities

Probably the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Community Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"

The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is already attracting consideration from international traders, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also incorporate:

Trump Tower Damascus
A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to hold out to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have transform-down company."

A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories advise:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires